How Can Christian Singles Tell Real Love from Dangerous Lust Before Marriage? 🛑
🔥 The Fire That Warms vs. The Fire That Burns ✨
Every Christian single knows the feeling. You meet someone. The conversation flows, the attraction is magnetic, and your heart starts racing. You think, “This must be God. This must be love.”
But there is a dangerous counterfeit that feels exactly like love in the beginning. It is called Lust.
We often think of lust only as “dirty thoughts.” But lust is far more subtle. It is an emotional and spiritual hunger that wants to consume another person rather than cherish them. If you build a marriage on lust, it will collapse the moment the feelings fade. If you build it on love, it will endure the storms.
How can you tell the difference?
It isn’t about how much you “feel.” It is about the direction of the flow.
- Lust is an appetite; it asks, “What can I get?”
- Love is a sacrifice; it asks, “What can I give?”
Here is the biblical guide to discerning the spark before you say “I do.”
Part I: The Theology of the “Take” 🤲
Self-Seeking vs. Self-Sacrificing ✝️
The Apostle Paul gives us the ultimate litmus test in 1 Corinthians 13.
“Charity [Love]… seeketh not her own.” —1 Corinthians 13:5 (KJV)
Lust is inherently selfish. It treats the other person as a vending machine for your needs—whether that is sexual gratification, emotional validation, or status. Love is inherently sacrificial. It mimics Christ. It is willing to deny itself for the good of the other person.
The Test: If this person got into a terrible accident tomorrow and could no longer offer you beauty, money, or excitement, would you still want to serve them? Lust leaves when the benefit ends; Love stays.
For more on the myths of destiny, read Is ‘Match Made in Heaven’ Really Biblical?.
Part II: The Speed Trap (Urgency vs. Patience) ⏳
Awakening Love Too Soon 💤
One of the clearest signs of dangerous lust is Urgency. Lust cannot wait. It pushes for physical intimacy now. It pushes for commitment now. It feels like a frantic emergency.
The Bible warns against this three times in the Song of Solomon:
“I charge you, O ye daughters of Jerusalem… that ye stir not up, nor awake my love, until it please.” —Song of Solomon 8:4 (KJV)
Love is patient (1 Corinthians 13:4). Real love is comfortable with a slow simmer. It respects boundaries and timelines. If someone is pressuring you to compromise your standards because “we are going to get married anyway,” that is not love; that is lust disguised as romance.
Part III: The Fog vs. The Light 🔦
Clarity in Community 🏘️
Lust thrives in isolation. It whispers, “It’s just us against the world.” It wants to hide the relationship from parents, pastors, or mentors because deep down, it knows it is out of order.
Love walks in the light.
“But all things that are reproved are made manifest by the light…” —Ephesians 5:13 (KJV)
The Test: Are you proud to introduce this person to your spiritual leaders? Do the people who love you the most (and love God) approve of this union? If you are hiding details of your relationship, you are likely operating in lust.
For more on protecting your future union, read 5 Powerful Prayersto C.O.V.E.R. and Protect Your Marriage.
Part IV: 3 Common Misconceptions About Love and Lust 💡
Misconception 1: Physical attraction is “lust.”
- Correction: Attraction is not sin; it is biology designed by God. Lust is when attraction becomes an idol that demands satisfaction outside of God’s law. You should be attracted to your future spouse, but attraction must be the caboose, not the engine.
Misconception 2: Marriage cures lust.
- Correction: Many singles think, “Once I get married, I won’t struggle with lust anymore.” False. Marriage exposes lust; it doesn’t cure it. If you haven’t learned self-control as a single, you won’t magically have it as a spouse.
Misconception 3: If we have “chemistry,” it’s meant to be.
- Correction: Chemistry is just hormones. Even Samson had chemistry with Delilah, and it cost him his eyes. Compatibility and Character matter far more than Chemistry.
Conclusion: Don’t Trade Your Birthright 🍲
How do you tell the difference?
Esau traded his birthright for a bowl of soup because he was driven by immediate appetite (Lust). Jacob worked 14 years for Rachel because he was driven by long-term devotion (Love).
Don’t trade the holy, beautiful birthright of a godly marriage for the “bowl of soup” of a quick fling. Wait for the person who loves God more than they love you. That is the only person safe enough to give your heart to.
Reflection: Does this relationship bring you closer to Jesus, or does it distract you from Him?for, protecting, and cultivating
