How Can Christian Singles Tell Real Love from Dangerous Lust Before Marriage?
In today’s world, Christian singles face a unique and difficult challenge. The lines between love and lust are often intentionally blurred by culture, leaving many feeling confused and pressured. A relationship can start with genuine feelings, but quickly devolve into something that is emotionally draining and spiritually compromising. So how can you know if what you’re experiencing is real, God-honoring love or a dangerous, self-serving lust?
The answer isn’t always easy, but the Bible provides a clear, compassionate framework for discernment. The key lies not in judging the intensity of your feelings, but in examining the very foundation of your heart and the true motivation behind your actions.
The Foundation of Love and Lust
At their core, love and lust are distinguished by their direction: love gives, while lust takes.
- Lust is a self-serving desire. It’s driven by the question, “What can I get from you?” It sees the other person as a means to an end—for emotional validation, physical gratification, or a sense of security. Lust is conditional, fleeting, and it often thrives in secrecy. It’s the mindset of a consumer. 💔
- Love is a self-giving commitment. It’s driven by the question, “What can I give to you?” It sees the other person as a valuable, unique creation of God and seeks their ultimate well-being. Biblical love is unconditional, permanent, and it flourishes in the light of God’s grace and community. It’s the mindset of a gardener. 🌱
Three Key Questions to Ask Yourself
As you navigate a relationship, ask yourself these three critical questions to discern the direction of your heart.
1. Does It Grow You or Drain You? A relationship rooted in real love should spur both people toward greater spiritual maturity and holiness. It should be a source of encouragement and accountability that draws you closer to God and to your community. Lust, on the other hand, often does the opposite. It isolates you from your friends and mentors, pushes you away from your spiritual disciplines, and leaves you feeling drained and guilty. A true partnership should lift you up, not weigh you down.
2. Does It Honor God or Satisfy Self? This is the ultimate spiritual litmus test. A relationship of real love is driven by a desire to honor God with every interaction, conversation, and action. It seeks to glorify Him through purity and respect. Lust is driven by a desire to satisfy your own physical and emotional needs, often at the expense of God’s will. When you find yourself engaging in behaviors you would hide from your mentors or from God, it’s a clear sign you’ve crossed a line.
“Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body.”
— 1 Corinthians 6:18 (KJV)
This is a profound call to set healthy biblical relationship standards before marriage.
3. Does It Give You Peace or Anxiety? A love rooted in Christ brings a sense of profound peace and stability. It is patient, secure, and free from the anxiety of “what’s next.” Lust, by contrast, is often accompanied by anxiety, jealousy, pressure, and a feeling of being rushed. It creates a hunger that is never satisfied.
“And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”
— Philippians 4:7 (KJV)
A relationship grounded in love should feel like a safe harbor, not a turbulent storm. You can find this peace by finding peace in God’s presence.
Practical Steps for Discernment
If you’re still unsure, here are some practical steps to help you discern.
- Seek Accountability: Don’t walk this road alone. Share your struggles and your relationship with a trusted mentor, a pastor, or a wise friend.
- Set Clear Boundaries: Physical and emotional boundaries are not legalistic rules; they are loving safeguards for your heart, your purity, and your future marriage.
- Focus on the Friendship First: Take the time to build a solid foundation of shared values, open communication, and mutual respect. Don’t let a relationship be rushed by intense feelings before you truly know each other’s hearts.
Real love is a choice, a commitment, and a self-giving act that mirrors the heart of God. It is worth waiting for, protecting, and cultivating
